You’ve just met someone online, and things are going well. It’s only been a couple of weeks but you’re chatting every day, texting, emails, phone calls. You seem to hit it off, and you’re very excited to actually meet your new online love-interest. It’s Monday and you make plans to meet.

“I’ll be flying in on Friday and we’ll have the whole weekend together”, he tells you with an excitement in his voice that matches your enthusiasm.  

You clear your weekend and make plans to spend it with him. A couple of days later, after numerous chats about your new life together, a problem arises.

“I can’t wait to see you” he exclaims on the phone, but a small problem came up at work.  Because I’m out of the country my bank inadvertently placed my account on hold and I can’t access any money until next week. The guy I hired to do the repairs I need to have done wants the money up front, and I can’t leave until I pay him. If I can’t pay him, I have to stay and do the work myself. I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it this weekend”.

You’re quiet for a few moments, the disappointment building as you think about what he’s telling you. Your mind is swirling: no weekend visit, no time together, I can’t introduce you to my friends, I’ll have to cancel the dinner I’ve arranged.

“There is one way we can still make this happen” he says, breaking the silence. “You know I love you so much and want to be together with you forever. If you could somehow scrape together $5,000, I could pay for the repairs and still make the trip. It’s just a loan and I’ll pay you back next week when I get the problem with the bank straightened out”.

This Is All Too Common

Can you see any part of yourself in this scenario? Unfortunately, scenes like this play out every day in the online dating world. If the relationship is not genuine, the person on the other end will always ask for money to cover some sudden expense that comes up.

And it’s not a random amount of money either, but carefully calculated based on the financial situation of the victim. For the scammer skilled in the art of social engineering and manipulation, it doesn’t take long to determine how much money the other person would be willing to send, or could afford to send.

The first request is always a small amount, just enough not to raise any suspicion in the person sending the money. But the requests will get larger, and more frequent, as time goes on. Since the scammer has his target hooked emotionally and excited about their future together, he or she is less likely to think rationally about whether or not this is a good idea. She has already decided this person is her soul mate. And besides, he’ll repay the money next week, she will rationalize.

When it comes to online dating there are a number of red flags to watch for, but some are bigger than others. If someone you’ve never met in person, and don’t really know except through text messages and phone calls, asks you for money, something is not right. This is the point where you should slow down and consider if this relationship is genuine.

Self-Reflection

Do some self-reflection, maybe talk to a trusted friend before moving forward. Ask yourself the question ‘if a friend came to me for advice about this, what would I tell them?’.   

If you refuse to send the money, he will probably get upset with you, try to make you feel guilty, and question your love for him. If you mention that you talked to your friends about it, he will more than likely want you to stop telling your friends any details about your relationship.

This is one of his tactics, part of the emotional manipulation he is attempting. In a genuine relationship, would a person get upset because their partner refused to give them money, even if they claimed it was just a loan?

No matter how you feel about this person, this is one sign that should not be ignored. Never send money to someone you have not met in person, even if you feel you have a connection with that person. Trust building is part of the grooming process, and once the scammer feels the trust is there, a request for money will certainly be made.

If you have had a similar experience, know you are not alone. If you feel you have been defrauded, don’t hesitate to report it to the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center at IC3.gov, and the Federal Trade Commission at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.